Jellynail’s Neighborhood

I check here almost daily, hoping for a bit of your lives shared only between us. I so miss you all.

I am learning much about myself, my life, my family - life in general.
Lessons I could not have learned by staying where I was.

I feel horrid I abandoned a cat. I should have brought Leah with me.
I'm not sure now what I could do about that.
She is being fed and the new home owners "said" they adopted her, but bottom line - I did a bad thing by just moving away and leaving her there.

We missed any parties on New Years since I was sick, but I insisted we drive to Mansfield for Ben's Aunt's traditional family feed. (Pork and cabbage) There is such an acceptance from all there. No, they are not people I completely click with like you girls, but they are family. I never knew what that meant, family, until I really focused on Ben's. Seeing that made me realize what my "family" connections have been missing. My childhood, my marriages, my children - even my friendships all were dramatically effected by my never "getting" what it was to be an active and supportive member of a "family."

It's helping me see how to interact with my mom, and my sis - basically I can't let myself "want" from them - I need to just "give" my acceptance, my support, my time. I need to just be there for them and model the family energy I see in Ben's. Same with friends. Same with my kids. Same with Ben. I need to step back from what I've experienced, or not experienced and clear a path through the roadblocks I clearly put in my OWN way to the joys of things I really WANT to experience. I need to allow the process of that enjoyment without layering it with what else I "should" be doing.

There is much less distraction here.

I keep falling into the "getting it right" mode. If I just get the right carpets, or furniture, or pictures - if I just get the basement cleaned up and fabulous - if I just stock the right foods in the pantry - if I just rearrange the furniture, or my office. If I just repaint my office red - organize all the files - move everything cluttering my life to it's RIGHT spot (what ever that is) .... that once I do ALL THAT, everything will magically fall into place and I will have the perfect life
That has been my pattern  forever.

I find things I feel I need to do BEFORE I get to the "getting it right" step too. A package to mail, a drive to take, visiting mom, shopping, shopping, shopping. Roadblocks in front of roadblocks.

And behind all of that - the work I SHOULD be doing for the clients I have! Clients who I could whip out what they need NOW if I was just doing it and not feeling blocked everything else.

And behind all of that - the bookeeping, the money, balancing, totaling, filing. My black black hole I swear EVERY YEAR I won't fall into and every year I slide into it from Sept to April. I don't have receipts I need. I loose them, I forgegt to save them. Ben does not give them to me. I don't know what to save and what to toss. I horde it all and it becomes overwhelming.

I know the solution. I can see it from where I am sitting right now. Nancy's house 3 doors down. My new friends who do bookkeeping and accounting. Her husband invested our iras. I know I could call her and set up a time for her to teach me what I need to know and tell me what to keep, what to toss, how to file things - set me up for the year. And I am writing and not calling her.  And I now know what that is too. My road blocks to bookkeeping is to keep my father's voice out of my head. When I started my business 30 years ago, I asked for his help to set up my books and teach me how to keep track  - his instruction lasted less than an hour because I could not "get it." He actually hit me on the side of the head that day, and said "are you STUPID? Why can't you GET THIS?"

Talking with Ben's mom and Aunt Bobbie - They said it must be wonderful to sit in this family room and just watch the animals and snowfall. Yes, I said - and  that I was taking photos of all the different creatures. I saw a bunny on my first night here. I told them I knew there were deer, but I had not seen them.

At 11:30 pm on the first day of the year, I realized most of the above. It was cathartic.
I went to bed and told Ben most of it, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw movement behind a fence in our back yard. Then a second movement - big, dark, fast.  I jumped up to see 2 does prancing through my yard not 30 feet from my bedroom windows. I watched them dance through the snow at midnight on the first day of the new year and felt I'd been given a gift.

I'd seen my deer.

• 15:01 RT @fooljay: Oh wow, today's a palindrome day! 01022010. The last was August 31, 1380: 08311380! (via @dearsarah) #
• 15:24 @VirginiaO: I think I'm going to take the Erotic Essentials instead of the Burlesque Basics class. #
• 16:19 Balke talked about his NYE nugget tray and suddenly this was all I wanted for lunch. (@ Chick-Fil-A) 4sq.com/8inXpU #
• 17:33 @xXFedXx: I'm pretty sure that religious bumper stickers have always been offensive. #
• 21:09 earned 3 new #PS3 trophies! PS3Trophies.com/profile/kymberlie #

Kymberlie's Tweets automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Blog comments are welcomed and encouraged!

Kordan - Shinjuku Kordan Discography [Jul 2009] Fantasy Nation EP [Feb 2010] The Longing Read More Kordan http://weheartmus... I was deeply impressed that Cut/Copy personally asked them to open up for them on the first secti...

 01/02/2010 21:38:20 ♥ lara (/lara206.vox.com) ♥ kordan.tv ♥ myspace.com/kordantv 

Augh - she did identical instead of mirror design! I knew I should leave them plain this week. Oh well.

OPI "Malaga Wine"

• 02:52 Hey, @m_shel, you're welcome. #
• 03:59 OMG, @danielwcarlson! "Win in '10" is the best idea yet. Let's make that shit happen, yo! #
• 04:52 @NathanFillion: Happy New Year, Nathan! Some day you'll reply back to my Tweets and my life will be complete. ;-) #winin10 #
• 05:06 Babe, it's time *you* gave something new a try. ♫ blip.fm/~ikobq #
• 14:59 Amazon Deal of the Day is The 99 Most Essential Chopin Masterpieces for only $1.99! Nice cheap way to get some culture! #
• 18:54 I usually wear my contacts about twice a week, but have been out nine of the last ten nights. They feel gross today. #
• 19:34 Sometimes I just feel stupidly hopeful. Thank you, Jason Mraz. #
• 19:57 Dinner with Heath, Marc, and Melissa. I haven't been here in about ten years. (@ La Griglia) 4sq.com/6KIHcU #
• 21:13 Having a discussion of the aerodynamics of panties versus boxer shorts. bit.ly/8OSHyL #
• 22:36 New photo on Flickr: Deliciousness bit.ly/73vB26 #
• 23:23 Having a drink with Heath, waiting on Kendall. (@ La Carafe) 4sq.com/8g0uLE #
• 23:56 Title of the worst "What I did on my summer vacation" ever: How I Got Sold into White Slavery while in a Gay Bar in Singapore. #
• 00:17 Drinking again with Heath and waiting on Kendall. (@ Warren's Inn) 4sq.com/8qFp06 #
• 00:37 Kendall was watching Heath and I having an intense conversation & commented, "Y'all are either talking about sex or computers." It was both. #

Kymberlie's Tweets automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Blog comments are welcomed and encouraged!

If only I could stop thinking about how much nicer it would have been if I had someone with whom to share it.

Made it up to the ArcLight theater (which isn't nearly the "hot shit" venue I expected it to be) with just a few minutes to spare. It's really difficult to select your seat when you buy your ticket, esp when you've never been to the venue before. Fortunately, I made an excellent selection. I was annoyed that the matinee discount ($14 is DISCOUNT price?) doesn't apply on holidays... more annoyed that the cashier called the extra $1.50 a "holiday surcharge". (Bite me!)

The first preview featured my future husband, GAEL GARCIA BERNAL, so we were off to a good start (the movie is "Letters to Juliet" and Gael plays the a-hole boyfriend who's probably in only the first 1/4 of the film). I don't remember the rest of the previews - just that one was for a high intensity drama and people laughed at the end of the preview and I didn't understand why.

Broken Embraces started really really really slow. I probably spent 2/3 of the film wondering if it would be the first Almodovar film that I didn't like. But at the end, I LOVED it and was ready to watch it again. I love Almodovar's habit of foreshadowing things that never happen and including subplots that are never resolved... so non standard-American film! Also, I felt he used Volver to wrap up the subplots of a couple of prior films (don't ask me which, I don't remember). And this seemed to do the same - though I could easily be imagining it. All the same, it made me want to run home and immediately watch Women On the Verge.

• [3am update] Just got done watching Women and was surprised to find I was totally correct on that call - though he changed it up a bit. I'm impressed with myself cause I haven't seen that movie since it came out, which was 1988. Also surprising was realizing that a subplot in Women was part of the main plot in Live Flesh. Now I'm even more impressed at how he winds his movies together, plus bits of himself.
  

For the record: Penelope Cruz in a platinum wig? FIERCE HOT!! OMG PONIES!!!11!!11!!1!!! I am soooo envious. The hairstyles designed to make her look like Audrey Hepburn were shockingly accurate.

Between thinking about her and thinking about Gael, I decide I want to buy a copy of the movie where Gael played the devil (with a swedish accent). I really liked that film... Don't Tempt Me (had to look it up) [update: purchase complete. Plus I signed up for Amazon Prime (free 2day shipping, $3.99 overnight).]

After the film, I hobbled down the street to Fabiolus Cafe for dinner (owned by a Fabio but not the Fabio). I had no idea what they offered but spied the place on the way up and decided to check it out after the movie. I had an awesome Italian dinner (little pricey but worth it): Gnocchi with peas, sun dried tomatoes, garlic and chicken in a light parmigiano/wine reduction sauce; followed by tiramisu and cappuccino. A strange party of old peeps was seated next to me and the snippets of convo I overheard had me convinced they were both nutty and blowing smoke up each other's asses. Bizarre combo. Then I heard bits which implied they're in "the industry", in which case the combo makes perfect sense. They totally missed when the waiter made a joke about "fresh decaf coffee - we made it yesterday and it's still hot!" but I cracked up, causing one of them to stare at me for an extended time. I didn't think she was offended by my laughing but that she was, first, trying to figure out my "story" (dining alone - in a fairly romantic restaurant) and, second, judging my meal and my fat ass. That's okay cause judging the 3 of them as freaks kept me pretty entertained. And I actually got FULL, without finishing everything... quite the satisfying surprise.

The kitties are in and the heater is on. I'm totally content. Now to figure out how to spend the rest of the night (tv, Women on the Verge, or, The Hangover?).

• [3a Update] I watched both of them. I was disappointed with The Hangover - probably due to a combo of overhype and a woman at Julie's Mom's funeral telling me waaaaaaay too much of the story.
  

The most decadent looking cake ever.

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